i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
