how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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