Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
