You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
