There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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