Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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