At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
