shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
