ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
