right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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