i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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