He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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