Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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