3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
