every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
