new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Someone signed my nipple.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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