I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
