I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
