we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
