Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
