Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
