from now on my penis is your penis
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
