i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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