I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
