I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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