so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
