Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Randomize
