either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
