I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
