Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I pour the whiskey from now on
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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