Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We had to coat check the pizza.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
