the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
