i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
