Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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