Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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