My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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