MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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