Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
