counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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