I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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