have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
