Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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