As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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