There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
