So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
