I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
