i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
