I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
