just tell him i said nine months
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
