What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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