saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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