My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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